So this is it, its finally time to retire while still in style, so farewell 2004...

... this superhero is hanging up his cape. If you need me, I'll just be plain old Clark Kent.

I've decided for 2005 i might need to put the cape back on for one last spin, for me. I look at things a bit differently and i'm thankful for it. I've spent alot of time surround by what i thought was something else, but just turned out to be bullshit.

I'm only 21, and i make mistakes, but some people have had alot of time to work on this and they're are not doing well for themselves...a bit dissapointing. It's good to know that everyone elses standards don't apply to the individual, i applause that, and at the same time i fear it.

Things to Accomplish in 2005:

-I don't have to meet anyone standards for me, except me. i will however not fall lower that society standards for me, only excede it

-I am a person first and foremost, and an actor second.

-Realize that practice makes perfect, and those around you aren't.

-Realize that fortune favors the bold, but earning something tastes sweeter.

-Know that I am only one person, and the needs of many isn't my concern.

-Find someone who understands what I do, and allow me to love them. Not Like, Not Dig, or even get mushy over a little. Love them. Even if I can't be with her, I want to be able to Love her.


"I thought you were something special, but you're not even a good person" -A quote from a homeless man to me

Go Go Gadget Poetry

"So I'm not worthy?

Without me, you wouldn't know the meaning of the world, and you said you listened, but somehow you were never aware. It took your reality to ruin my dream, another day spent wasted tearing apart for these make believe seams.

Guess I'm not. End of Story. "

Arnold...Jingle all zee Waay!

Xmas is not my time of year, nor has it ever been. My family has never been naive so the whole holiday spirit has never wrung true. It's a shame too but i like it better this way.

It's just another day in this crazy world, except everythings closed.

Everythings closed. My life story. Ha

Glitch in the Matrix

I fucking hate AOL.. I pay for a service that constantly pisses me off, how lucky am I?
I had written a nice long blog, but because I got kicked off before I could save it..i got fucked.

Now on to the real stuff.

Thank ____ <--Insert historical figure

I'm so thankful for friends, especially ones that can relate to the bullshit we all have to go thru. I'm glad i have friends that realize and understand it. Hmm, maybe not understand, but they recognize it exists. If josh is starting to sound a bit like me on his post, then this is my confession to sounding like him.

There's walls around me, but the aren't closing in. WTF? They're are instead falling apart. A bright light appears on the other side and seems to be of interest to me. Wait! Is this something i've always wanted, or feared my entire life ? The only phrase i manage to mutter is "I have a bad feeling about this" but don't all success stories start with something similar. probably fucking not.

There's that section. Now onto something happier.

I had Thai for the first time yesterday for lunch, it was amazing.
Calamari and Basil rice. It was fucking rad. Now if i can find someone with similar interests i'll be set.

Things i can NO longer do
-entertain the opposite sex
-date another fucking vegetarian (nothing against em' just not for me)
-be bold. er..umm... be bolder .
-be a pussy, come on todd, 2005 is asking for you.

My jesus is..."Tyler Durden"

I have to say things like the title of my post just to put a simple smile on my face. i'm complex, frigthened and just plain sad.

I need to cry.
I need a good cry.
I need to just sit and let it out.
Will I though?

Pause - Single imaginary tear runs down my face - Pause

Nope.

Of course I won't why would i allow myself to show emotion. Ha. Emotion...Emotions for the birds, I'm not sap. Oh, how I'd like to be. I'm worse than a middle aged woman after a divorce. Bitter and angry with myself. I've only got a few days until the new year kicks in... and the words "new" and "year" have taken on a new life. Be my witness and I'll be your friend.

Violence and a Sultry tongue

My day today, and all the things i didn't want to accomplish...I did.

Slept pass my alarm, late for work. Check.

Almost hit a driver who wouldn't move for a firetruck. Check.

Hit back on my cd player to hear the same song over and over again. Check.

Skip breakfast as usual. Check.

Broke enough to sell sperm...Yes, but Not a Check.

I've never been able to figure out why someone would do that. With my luck I'd donate, get selected, and 30 years down the road some lady would come up to me claiming to be my child. Not cool. I haven't even given it up, why would i want that..for a few bucks. There's a million other people that are capable of donating, select them first. I feel like i'm talking about joining the army, which my feelings are the same for. I'm a wuss when it comes to that. I will get a blackeye standing up for something I believe in, I will be torn apart, shredded and made a mockery of. But you better damn well believe I'm gonna stand up for it.

There's no prize for dead last... but you did finish

2 finals left.
Anticipation has me glued to the spot.
So close, yet so far away.

I'm days away from having a degree.

Go left right is going well, we're about to go on hiatus until the new year.

1940's is about to wrap up, couple shows left, and no more bald comments...until I get cast in another show that requires it.

Smiling on the inside, but hurting on the outside. Wait. Maybe its the other way, not sure at this moment.

"Nothing Gold can stay"

What a shame.

The Bicycle Thief

See the movie in the title if you haven't. It's an amazing Italian Neo-realism Film.

I have the elite ability to fuck things up.
If I had one power right now that would qualify me as being a real and credible superhero, that'd be the one i'm forced to claim. Fuck Me.
I need a brain melt like in total recall, or in paycheck. I want to remember nothing except when I need. Which is really just how to pee and tie my shoes...If i wore velcro i wouldn't even need that.

Here's a movie quote thats been stuck in my head.

"shame on me for kissing you with my eyes so tight"


That's it, I don't have anything else.

I'm American Gladiator, "Slick"

Ok, so check this out... To make up an absence my professor said that we would have to run around the lake 4 times. Doesn't sound too difficult, but I'm a big boy right, Here's an interesting the fact, each lap is a mile. Holy Poopie Scooper, I did it in 35mins. Yeah, what then . I'm now extremely sore, tired, and smelly. Thats the news, and I'm sticking to it.

Suck it Trebeck !

Here are few of my favs...and a bonus.


...After that he'll tell you if he wears ladies underwear.

This isn't a game! In the real world, when you kill people they die - for real! And in the real world you're fucked!

Negative, I am a meat popsicle.

You lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it


*BONUS*
We do not train to be merciful here, mercy is for the weak. A man confronts you in the street he is your enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.

In the words of Emeril...

...Let's kick it up a notch!


No shooting friends, Joseph!

I'll blow this place up and be home in time for corn flakes!

Do you want this jacket? I don't need it. I'm cloaked in failure!


Be good kids.

Ouch, that leather glove hurt.

I challenged, and it got returned.
Awesome.

I'm now waiting for my dose.
Let's see if its what the doctor order.

All hands on Deck!

I'm off to class...this f-ing blows. It's the class day of this particular class. about time.

Here's a quote that sums up going to class...

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in... Godfather III

You want a piece of me too? Ha, I fart on you !

I'm a one man army, let's see what you got !


Name any of these... (all are from different films)


Do you want me to get naked and start the revolution?


Nothing gold can stay.


I think I must have one of those faces you can't help believing.


What's this man doing here? ... Bleeding, sir.


Oh, It's on.

I challenge you to a Duel

The war is started my friend...


Random Movie Quote 471

You realize if we played by the rules right now we'd be in gym?

Name it.


..Lets see what ya got!

Agent 18..Will you accept your mission?

Well, it seems I already have.

Agenda

-Go Left Right

-Finals

-Random BS

Go left right...The reading at Seth's the other night went well, we have a Zach but he wasn't able to show. The three of us, Tyler Seth and I read thru it and made some notes and it went well. There are a few slow parts written in the piece but Tyler and I were able to pick up the comedic timing on our lines which still need work. Our "sex" scenes need to be adlib'd better, right now it sounds scripted. Hell, it was only our first read thru. I use the word sex loosely since she basically mauls me in my flour and oregano scented shirt (I'm a pizza guy) Overall it went well, nothing odd unusual or scary...just not thrilled with the script but like josh did in the past, "look for the tiny flame of hope"...Well, i found the hope, lets see if it grows or gets put out. I think it'll be brighter soon.

Finals... Man, finals blow...enough said. Gotta be a cartoon character (shaggy) for one class, and russian ( mafia drunk) for another. Which means I only have a few days to smoke and drink as much as i can...ha ha ha. kidding.

Random BS... I'm addicted to lots of things in this crazy world, but one is religious. horoscopes. yes, i said it, thats my religion. Heres what mine said the other day, and its awesome. "Centuries of travel have suggested that we do not know where to turn, and that our journey has just begun. I hope that the perfection descrpition of your current state, it may not be obvious yet, but loosing your direction is the best gift you could have possibly been given. Being unsure of your next move is a crucial development in your life story, and a virutal guarantee that you'll be in the right place at the right time for a divine intervention a few weeks from now."

Thats F-ing Rad. Ha

Random Movie Quote 1,392

"You're no general. You're not even a good painter. "

Name it Josh, I dare ya.

Take a bite out of...Rhyme

Dig my quiz, you whiz..or i'll smack you, fo shiz !

Firsts
First best friend - Matthew Ross (in california)
First car - Ford Festiva
First real kiss - Megan Moran (first real)
First self purchased cd - Third Eye Blind
First pets - Holly (german shepard)
First musician you remember hearing around the house - Bruce Springsteen
Lasts
Last cigarette - sometime during rocky
Last car ride - this morning to work
Last kiss - couple days ago
Last cry - I was watching a movie...Jerry Maguire(laugh now, but its sad)
Last movie seen in the theater - The Dodgeball
Last beverage drank - Black Cherry/Lime powerade
Last food consumed - doughnut
Last crush - Last crush
Last phone call - Doctors, this morning
Last shower - This morning
Last shoes worn - Black etnies
Last item bought - mornin powerade and a doughnut
Last annoyance - any one of half a hundred things
Last shirt worn - speaker city shirt, from "Old School"
Last website visited - Joshs Blog
Last words you said - I have no problem in help hanging. (reffering to garland around the office)
Last song you sang - Metallica - Fuel
What color socks are you wearing? - Black dress socks
What time did you wake up today? - 7:49 am
Future
Where do you want to go? To bed
Where do you want to live? Hollywood Hills
How many kids do you want? 1 or 2
What kind of car? Motorcycle
Current
Current mood - not thrilled
Current music - none
Current taste - boredom
Current clothes - black dress shirt and pants with a white tie
Current hate - regret

you make that expression, and everything else is night.

I'm an asshole. Yes thats right, i've admitted to it.
So, I'm also a really really good actor. If you don't believe me, just ask anyone of my ex's...I'm sure they're all behind me one this one.

I've gained yet another reason to maintain my virginity...It's all about me...fucking deal with it (that seems to be the only thought running in my head)

When I get to the the gates of, wherever I end up...God (In my mind he's Chistopher Walken ) , or the Devil, is going to ask me one thing.

"Was it worth it kid?"
I want to be able to respnd with "Damn right. "

So...

At this point in my life...IT IS ABOUT ME
I'm not selfish I'm concerned with me right now..DO NOT CONFUSE IT

I'm an asshole.

Reality vs Apperance..why does that ring true ?

What an amazing day i've had.

Here's the deal.
I've said a whole 12 words today, all of which made sense to me, and somehow nothing to anyone else. Its amazing how some people think they're educated and when they speak lose all credibility. We had a discussion today in class about religion, one of my favorite fucking topics. hence the sarcasm. Is it really that hard to differenciate between opinion and fact? I chose to believe what i want, but when you force your belief upon me, you've crossed the line pal, and i fucking hate that. I didnt bite my toungue today though, i just didn't really have anything to say. I'm tired of trying to validate myself, the things i do or say, so instead i've learned to keep my mouth shut. yes, you heard that right folks I've learned to take one for the team. Ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach, where you feel like shit? I had it today, for an hour and twenty minutes in class and it almost become unbarable. its bad enough i'm probably overreacting about some things, but when others in class reinforce that idea (feeling in stomach) it only makes things worse.

Really fucking Swell !

Thats how things are.

1940's is rad. I'm glad i'm not the weakest link. really. i can't put into words how thrilled i am not to drag others down. now, in the words of jack black.."let's rock, let's rock"

New & Improved: Now made with hope, so he "looks" like a hero

This post is suitable for anyone over the age of 18 days old
Be adivsed, I coat my writing with symbolism

I'm not really good with just pointing out the obvious, so instead I'll stick to the anaolgies anomous for making.

Cast of characters
Superman...and I'll let you in on a little secret....It's ME

Supporting Characters
Lois Lane
Jimmy Olson
Chief Perry

Guest Apperances
Still casting these roles on a daily basis (inquire within)


Everyweek Superman has various adventures, here's one of em.

Episode381 (Metropolis in Peril, again)

What a fucking surprise, I'm saving the city again. I awoke from what I thought was the end of doom, and found myself back to holding control of the entire city, right in the palm of my hand. This time my enemy stood right infront of me, and laid my options out infront of me. Here's the deal. While the enemy was staing out my options, my ADD kicked in and at the moment I was wondering if I turned the oven off. Why is it that when it matters most, i'm not where I should be, mentally that is. See, the reality was is that I knew the oven was off, but instead i found it more convient to stray away from what was important.

*Commercial Break*

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse... It does. If you're just tuning in, I'll refresh. Hero, Me...Problem... that seems to be it. Let's continue.

So i found myself back on the rooftop with my options infront of me.

- Save the city, and pursue being a hero. (lose the one you're with)

-Fuck the City, and be with the one you care for. (lose the world)

I could have saved myself the pain of sacrifice if I had just thought. For once, my actions are louder than words. So, where does that leave me? My dream, destiny, and love is being a hero, Whatever it costs to make that happen will be done. The conclusion to this episode isn't the greatest, but its reality in this hero's fable.

On a side note, I said something the other day that hurt. Not just to Lois Lane but also to myself. I told her that I was content with being by myself. Yes, that came out of my mouth. Major Fucking surprise. Really. Definately not something I'd normally say. But things aren't normal, and thats my reality.

Two Decades of Confusion

I'm an actor, I tell myself that daily. I'm not sure really sure of what it means though. Do i have an identity crisis, or do I just like protraying others for a living? Maybe in another life I was an informant for the FBI or CIA and in this life, I wanted to revisit it.

MORE AFTER CLASS...around 1pm

If life were like the matrix, and I wasn't aware of what was really going on, what job do you think I'd have?
Please answer that in the comment section with whatever answer you'd like.

Billy Badass?... You're damn right!

Check it out...

Mistaken Identity or Falsely Accused ?

the stage is set.
lights turn up.
the sound of cheering breaks over the crowd.
pull back the curtain and out i go.
always fearing that certain "no."
i take my place among the cast.
never knowing if it'll last.
yet again i put on the face.
watching frantically as i pace.
this time it isn't the same.
i'm going crazy, far from sane.
i get stared down while i play.
pretending that everything's ok.
soon the curtain will far down...

and then my performance will not count.
it seems as though it never did.
that's all i got, that is fucking it.

I don't have a whole lot to write about. It seems the poetry bug has hit me. Inspiration at the most akward times. Go fucking figure.

Death Cab lyric-
My brain's repeating "if you've got an impulse let it out", But they never make it past my mouth.

..my back's up against the wall

The day's have been long and busy. School, work, shows, and rehearsals...

Vince Vaughn for President

Few words...
-I hate talking about politics.
-I hate when others invade my conversation, and turn it into politics.
-I really really hate, when others try to influence and decide my vote for me.
-Just get out and vote, period. I don't want to know who you're voting for and why.

VOTE FOR VINCE VAUGHN 2004

...his vital signs are improving

Doomsday is near, and I'm left figthing on my own for the entire human race. Instead of worrying about winning or losing, I'm asking myself "why me, and why now?" At the moment I should be focused on being my strongest, I'm too busy worried about whether or not I'll be able to handle the responibility of saving the world. At my moment of weakness I am thrown off the top of the Daily Planet where I lie comfy in my asphault bed. Then it hits me, everyone has earned, or deserved what they have even if its better or worse then others, and it's not my responsibility to save em'. I didn't ask for these "super powers" but I sure have the option to control them. My savior complex, is no longer a complex, it was a state of mind. Now its the past, and a dim memory. Then I awake from my dream, to find I wasn't so super after all, I was a reporter parading around in a pair of tights, a size too small. For some, their hero is a man in tights. For me, my hero stares back at me everyday and I ask nothing of him.

I quote everclear. I will buy you a new life

Anticipation's got me glued

It’s amazing what goes thru your head when you think all is lost, and hope has been extinguished. When you’re running out of time, you start to treasure what you had, and imagine what you’ve wanted. I'm dangled over a rooftop, my enemy has kryptonite in hand, and I feel that my life of being a hero is at its end. I watched the cars pass from above; as I waited for the asphalt to rapidly move closer…then it happened. I had a change of heart. I no longer wanted to be untouchable, I just wanted to be. Then my second shock occurred, she made it happen. When suddenly without warning or delay, Lois Lane hits the deadly rock from my nemesis’ hand and I rise to my feet, rejuvenated and ready to save the day. I think that’s a pretty accurate analogy, it might sound more complicated then it really is, but aren’t stories more interesting that way? In this case, Yes..but my real life as Clark Kent has taken a new direction. It's no longer time to parade around for attention and avoiding rescues. I'm hanging up the cape until it's needed. Right now I've wrapped it around someone, who needs the cape more than I do.

Death Cab quote:
I'll sit and wonder of every love that could've been, If i'd only thought of something charming to say.

I have "High Priority Dreams" ... is that so?

Random Thought 257 - Can one have dreams that are more of a priority then others? Ahh who knows...

I'll have a Martini, but make it with "More Certainty and Less Mystery." I said that in the office to make a co-worker laugh, and when the joke was over, it actually made sense. As a college student, and an asipring actor, I find that i've lived my life with alot of mystery and not enough certainty. Things were fine like that, but that was then and this is now. (side note...I wonder how many shitty overused cliches I fit into this blog everytime I post?) I think , that just like everything in life, we aspire to become something. I aspire to better than before, no matter what it was. In life, I aspire to be great. As a man, I aspire to be a great husband, father, and role model. As for right now, I aspire to be.


I quote one of my favs, Third Eye Blind... "cause all I want to do is be there for the things that you're going through.."

Are tights really Necessary?

I'll elaborate...
I've been asked to be clark kent, and not superman. Weakness, vunerability, courage, strength, and charm all at an average level. Lois Lane and I both get each other. I see her more than just another reporter, and she sees me as more than just a frantic superhero. So it works out pretty well. When she looks for a hand to save her, a hug, or even a surprise out of the blue, it'll be from her Average Hero, the one who can't fly. I'm sure pretty soon she'll get her big break, and get that story of a lifetime.

This was the first lyric I ever wrote on my own.
I'm a hero in the dark, hiding so that I can't see, that the enemy I fear, fights to grow within me.

Well, I was fighting...but its gone. No more enemy, and definatley no more hiding.

and behind door number one is...

Surprise is the constant word running thru my head. This has got to be one of the better times of my life, and yet the most difficult at the same time. The pros are definatley greater than the cons. Thank God I have family, and friends... I want them to know they have me to count on.

Lower the gate, we have a visitor

Today i was figured out. The forcefield was broken, and I didn't panic.

Its amazing what happens to the tiny flame of hope when someone tosses fuel into it, it becomes bigger, brighter, and lasts. For the first time in a long time, i'm allowing someone to storm the fort, and it seems like a good idea. I've kicked myself in the ass before for allowing it, but she doesn't seem to be pulling a trojan horse. She's walking in alone, without reinforcements offering up nothing but herself. As long as she wipes her feet on the mat before entering we'll be fine.

I quote sugarcult. well, kinda. ( I changed it a bit to fit)
Pretty girl is offering while he confesses everything.

Blinded by the light..and i forgot my sunglasses

Maybe I didn't forget the sunglass, maybe i left them home to see if i could brave the storm without em'. And did I? I You're damn right I did. Friday and Saturday were amazing, 2 incredible shows, and the support of the entire cast. Not to mention, SOLD OUT. I have to say, that if i were to have placed a bet on the show weeks ago, i would have lost. Not just some of it, but all of it. It's amazing what happens when you lose dead wieght, and others in the cast pick up the slack like it was routine. Maybe it was, i don't really know how to explain it...it just seems to me that i've done the unthinkable. I underestimated some on the cast. I really hate when people do that to me, and I dont think others enjoyed it, but i can't apologize. They deserved what they got at the time, and right now they deserve praise, no doubt about that. Then there are those who've been busting ass along with the strong ones of the cast, and our hard work has paid off. Theres a really great bond that has formed with the cast, you can call it a family if you'd like, hell I do. In other news...i went to Universal for a little bit after rehersals, and spent time with Dolline and her mom, and it was rad. We went on the mummy, and twister, and I got a chance to meet her mom, and exchange a few words. At first I wanted to be mr. cool to impress her mom, but i figured, i'd give her something better. Me. Just Me, nothing special or unusual, just a good guy who likes her daughter. This girl makes me smile. Maybe it's the challenge, or the fact she gives me shit. Hell, maybe it's just the fact for the first time I can look at someone directly in the eyes, and she'll look right back. There's no time to hide, when fates on your side. That's what I think when I see her. So, in this particular post, I have nothing negitive to say. I have no cloud over my head, and nothing but a smile on my face.

I quote Fall Out Boy.
"Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say"

On the day I'm suppose to Die, i think I'll wake up early.

Doubt it.
Doesn't that sound poetic? or should i say pathetic? It seems to me that even on the day I'm suppose to leave this place i'll still manage to sleep past my alarm clock, and have even less time to savor the flavor of life. Well, this is my proclation. "Today October 20th I will do things I've never done, say things I've never said, and be the man I've always wanted to be."
Fuck those who hold me back, I'm smiling, so smile back.

You have the right to remain silent. Really? That's so thoughtful of you.

Put your hands where I can see them...

That exact phrase rang thru my head a million times last night as i was stranded on east colonial waiting for some sort of assistance. I anticpated the moment when a cop would pull up, take a look at what i was wearing, and where i was and mutter to himself "what the fuck?" and follow it up with, "put your hands where i can see them" as if they were controlled seperate from myself. It was a fucked up evening, no doubt about that, but it was one hell of a sign. One has alot of time to reflect when given the right circumstance. Late at night, in the rain, wearing makeup, upset from being yelled at by your ex-gf, and wondering how "she" is... not the all-star cast, or lineup i was looking for, but they should made it quite accurate of a portrayal. If last night was an olympic event, my team would have been disqaulified...but the Russians would have given us a 8.9 for effort. It was quite an evening, amazing to say the least but, I needed more than amazing. I need divine intervention. I've been on dates with Divine, we've shared milshakes in the diner, walks in the park, even makeout sessions til dawn but nothing has woken me up. Right now Im on a self motivated run, and stopping to take no prisioners. I want to take someone with me but with my luck she'll use me for a ride, ditch me and i'll be back on the expressway alone and singing to myself. Its time for me to be the hitchiker, and not the driver. I'm taking the risk, and leaving my transportation where it is. I've openned walked out of my truck, and left the door wide open. My head lights begin to fade behind me, and its now just one single light miles behind. I extend my arm out, and raise my thumb. I check back once more to see if i'll puss out..but i don't. I'm now on my journey, and waiting for my release from solitutde. Head lights appear from the distance, and a car begins to slow down. A young lady rolls down her window and says... "wah you want a awhhawahhh ride wahh" Everything she says comes out sounds like a peanuts cartoon. I laugh to myself in a nervous manner, and try to think of something witty, but all I can mutter is, No Thanks. For the second the words leave my mouth, I regret every second of not knowing who she was, where she's going, and where I could be. I'm fucking tried of that. I don't want to be the one driving, I want to be enjoying the ride with a girl who gets me, and i want to see the other drifters embarking on their journey hoping to find their very own passneger seat.

Below is a Death Cab for Cutie lyric...dig it.

when you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride,
when you need directions then i'll be the guide
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

It's time to reactivate my drive for....life

throughout the day there are certain words that ring true to me, and others take for granted. words that are somehow are important to me, and meaningless to others. today's word is dissapointed. To me it's being used in many different contexts' , but their is one descrption that is relevant to my current situation.i am somehow dissapointed in myself, more than anything else i've been handed. i'm dissapointed in my expectations of things in life, along with myself, and more than anything the choices i didn't make. let's elaborate below:

things i'm not content with
-not being bold enough
-fortune favors the bold...maybe i should have been bolder ( Thanks Josh.)
-being alone
-hopes and expectations of others
-savior complex
-spreading myself too thin
-being everyones bestfriend
-avoiding conflict
-trying to be a hero

things i'm content with
-making others smile
-never showing weakness
-having an amazing family

as you can tell one list is slightly larger than the other. for good reason, i should notice and take action. i wonder how long it'll take before i actually do something, how long until i convince myself it's not ok... how about right now. i don't want to seem like an asshole, but i guess i need to be more of an aggressive person. for an much of a personality as i have, i have no scroat, no guts...and that's why i haven't had any glory. screw that, i want victory, i want a smile put on my face, instead of me placing upon others. on a more positive note, i had an amazing night on saturday with a girl i met in school. not something out of the complete ordinary but quite unique. something i've been trying to find for quite some time. i wish i was able to say to her the things i'm writing now , but i can't. that's not something i've done before. but after todays proclamation it will be. she is going to be my new risk, the one worth taking hopefully. i'm going to go out on the limb, tell her whatever it is i should. i will reach for her hand. i will give her a hug. i will call unexpectedly. she has to let me though. I recently saw enternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and i was completely shocked at how good it was. i want to know someone so well that with your mind erased they're still in your heart. when she asks me how the night was i want to reply, "it was the best fucking night, of my entire fucking life"...and i want to know why "i fall in love with every woman who shows me the least bit of attention"..i want to be picked first..and she did, she initiated all of this. for that, i thank her.

Reach down your hand in your pocket, and pull out some hope for me

It's nice to see that applying yourself is still an effective way to show people what you're made of. So i found out I got cast in Bay Streets production of 1940's radio hour, which is pretty f-ing awesome. You can check out the cast list at http://www.baystreetplayers.org/ . It's kinda funny though, all throughout high school i despised musicals, and i'm not sure why. Maybe it was the amount of people in the cast, or the fact that our directors didn't have a clue, but that was about 6 or 7 years ago and things have changed for the better. I have also changed, for the alot better. (hey it's my f-ing blog, I can type shit like that) I'm better at reading people, and allowing them to read me. Here comes the Rocky update. The show is going well, but the bitching has increased and my patience are wearing thin. The best analogy I can make for this situation follows: "If this show were a lumber company, would you hire plumbers to cut the wood? I think not." That's how I feel right now. I'm bothered that some people would rather moan and groan about thier involvment instead of placing the show first. Big No No number 1. This is Rocky Horror Show, not can I have more time to do...whatever it is that I do. Wish is very questionable. My other favorite topic on hand, is that some people actually consider themselves actors, or entertainers. (cue the jeopardy style music and buzzers) BZZZZ, oh I'm sorry the correct answer was No, No you are not. You may share the stage, but I' ve earned it, along with many others. The building of deatailed sets, late night rehersals, and most importantly the effort. I have the drive, and will...something a few lack, and I'm sorry for that but you can't just be given it. With that having been said, I'm going out to have breakfast with the family.
be good . be safe, and always smile.

We've been in the same shoes, and they smell a bit like confused.

A friend recently wrote a blog containing doubt...this is my similar post, although i wrote this almost 6 years ago. Dig it.

It's truly amazing what can happen in one day . Today I realized that everyone has a purpose, Unfortunately I'm still puzzled on what mine is. Why is it that most stars becime famous and forget everything and everyone but themselves? I had an experience today at auditions... I was finally introduced to the real world. Althought my traytables were in the upright and locked postition something was odd. For the first real time, I doubted myself. Maybe i'm not on earth to be a famous star, maybe I'm just an average joe who's fooling himself into thinking he can make it. Now I just wish I'd do a better job on convincing myself. Instead of covering myself with "acting" to hide my emotions and just be myself. Isn't that whats more important in life, being you ? Or is it having the millions of dollars? It's kinda funny how life works out, instead of kicking you in the ass, life says " I'll be nice" and gives you a nice shove sending you ofcourse and offschedule. I could spend foreverand try my hardest to find the "meaning of it all." How do you know when you reached your hardest, and what i've you reached it with no answer. Well, with answer in hand, or with nothing I'm making my proclimation. The odds are impossible, and I'm not voiceless in a crowd. One statement will remind me daily of what I'm here for. That statement should be read aloud in an embarrassing way. It is: I believe that reality is a sublime comedy staged for the education and amusement, and that there is a benevolent conspiracy to liberate me from my ignorance and help transform me into the unique masterpiece I was born to be.

I couldn't agree more with the statement now, than i did then.

Time for Initiation

I don't have the spare time to write in this damn blog, but I think I'm going to have to find time for it. I have a live journal also, but I dont really write in it much, so this will be my new place to vent. Tonight are rehersals for Rocky, and but am I excited...(please note that sarcastic tones can't be displayed very well when typing). I hope tonight that I'm not part of the minority in the group, but it seems that one can't avoid that feeling of being seperate, and its for really childish and stupid reasons. I was going to end this blog early but now I'm on a run...There's a few things that puzzle me, not bother, but just plain confuse me. I'm a pretty understanding guy, but somethings just don't make and fucking sense. I'd like to think that when the time comes, people are smart enough, and good enough to not make a stupid decision. Boy was I wrong. I'll elaborate more on that later.
Be good, be safe, and crack a smile for me.
Tj