It's time to reactivate my drive for....life

throughout the day there are certain words that ring true to me, and others take for granted. words that are somehow are important to me, and meaningless to others. today's word is dissapointed. To me it's being used in many different contexts' , but their is one descrption that is relevant to my current situation.i am somehow dissapointed in myself, more than anything else i've been handed. i'm dissapointed in my expectations of things in life, along with myself, and more than anything the choices i didn't make. let's elaborate below:

things i'm not content with
-not being bold enough
-fortune favors the bold...maybe i should have been bolder ( Thanks Josh.)
-being alone
-hopes and expectations of others
-savior complex
-spreading myself too thin
-being everyones bestfriend
-avoiding conflict
-trying to be a hero

things i'm content with
-making others smile
-never showing weakness
-having an amazing family

as you can tell one list is slightly larger than the other. for good reason, i should notice and take action. i wonder how long it'll take before i actually do something, how long until i convince myself it's not ok... how about right now. i don't want to seem like an asshole, but i guess i need to be more of an aggressive person. for an much of a personality as i have, i have no scroat, no guts...and that's why i haven't had any glory. screw that, i want victory, i want a smile put on my face, instead of me placing upon others. on a more positive note, i had an amazing night on saturday with a girl i met in school. not something out of the complete ordinary but quite unique. something i've been trying to find for quite some time. i wish i was able to say to her the things i'm writing now , but i can't. that's not something i've done before. but after todays proclamation it will be. she is going to be my new risk, the one worth taking hopefully. i'm going to go out on the limb, tell her whatever it is i should. i will reach for her hand. i will give her a hug. i will call unexpectedly. she has to let me though. I recently saw enternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and i was completely shocked at how good it was. i want to know someone so well that with your mind erased they're still in your heart. when she asks me how the night was i want to reply, "it was the best fucking night, of my entire fucking life"...and i want to know why "i fall in love with every woman who shows me the least bit of attention"..i want to be picked first..and she did, she initiated all of this. for that, i thank her.