It’s amazing what goes thru your head when you think all is lost, and hope has been extinguished. When you’re running out of time, you start to treasure what you had, and imagine what you’ve wanted. I'm dangled over a rooftop, my enemy has kryptonite in hand, and I feel that my life of being a hero is at its end. I watched the cars pass from above; as I waited for the asphalt to rapidly move closer…then it happened. I had a change of heart. I no longer wanted to be untouchable, I just wanted to be. Then my second shock occurred, she made it happen. When suddenly without warning or delay, Lois Lane hits the deadly rock from my nemesis’ hand and I rise to my feet, rejuvenated and ready to save the day. I think that’s a pretty accurate analogy, it might sound more complicated then it really is, but aren’t stories more interesting that way? In this case, Yes..but my real life as Clark Kent has taken a new direction. It's no longer time to parade around for attention and avoiding rescues. I'm hanging up the cape until it's needed. Right now I've wrapped it around someone, who needs the cape more than I do.
Death Cab quote:
I'll sit and wonder of every love that could've been, If i'd only thought of something charming to say.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
I have "High Priority Dreams" ... is that so?
Random Thought 257 - Can one have dreams that are more of a priority then others? Ahh who knows...
I'll have a Martini, but make it with "More Certainty and Less Mystery." I said that in the office to make a co-worker laugh, and when the joke was over, it actually made sense. As a college student, and an asipring actor, I find that i've lived my life with alot of mystery and not enough certainty. Things were fine like that, but that was then and this is now. (side note...I wonder how many shitty overused cliches I fit into this blog everytime I post?) I think , that just like everything in life, we aspire to become something. I aspire to better than before, no matter what it was. In life, I aspire to be great. As a man, I aspire to be a great husband, father, and role model. As for right now, I aspire to be.
I quote one of my favs, Third Eye Blind... "cause all I want to do is be there for the things that you're going through.."
I'll have a Martini, but make it with "More Certainty and Less Mystery." I said that in the office to make a co-worker laugh, and when the joke was over, it actually made sense. As a college student, and an asipring actor, I find that i've lived my life with alot of mystery and not enough certainty. Things were fine like that, but that was then and this is now. (side note...I wonder how many shitty overused cliches I fit into this blog everytime I post?) I think , that just like everything in life, we aspire to become something. I aspire to better than before, no matter what it was. In life, I aspire to be great. As a man, I aspire to be a great husband, father, and role model. As for right now, I aspire to be.
I quote one of my favs, Third Eye Blind... "cause all I want to do is be there for the things that you're going through.."
Are tights really Necessary?
I'll elaborate...
I've been asked to be clark kent, and not superman. Weakness, vunerability, courage, strength, and charm all at an average level. Lois Lane and I both get each other. I see her more than just another reporter, and she sees me as more than just a frantic superhero. So it works out pretty well. When she looks for a hand to save her, a hug, or even a surprise out of the blue, it'll be from her Average Hero, the one who can't fly. I'm sure pretty soon she'll get her big break, and get that story of a lifetime.
This was the first lyric I ever wrote on my own.
I'm a hero in the dark, hiding so that I can't see, that the enemy I fear, fights to grow within me.
Well, I was fighting...but its gone. No more enemy, and definatley no more hiding.
I've been asked to be clark kent, and not superman. Weakness, vunerability, courage, strength, and charm all at an average level. Lois Lane and I both get each other. I see her more than just another reporter, and she sees me as more than just a frantic superhero. So it works out pretty well. When she looks for a hand to save her, a hug, or even a surprise out of the blue, it'll be from her Average Hero, the one who can't fly. I'm sure pretty soon she'll get her big break, and get that story of a lifetime.
This was the first lyric I ever wrote on my own.
I'm a hero in the dark, hiding so that I can't see, that the enemy I fear, fights to grow within me.
Well, I was fighting...but its gone. No more enemy, and definatley no more hiding.
Monday, October 25, 2004
and behind door number one is...
Surprise is the constant word running thru my head. This has got to be one of the better times of my life, and yet the most difficult at the same time. The pros are definatley greater than the cons. Thank God I have family, and friends... I want them to know they have me to count on.
Lower the gate, we have a visitor
Today i was figured out. The forcefield was broken, and I didn't panic.
Its amazing what happens to the tiny flame of hope when someone tosses fuel into it, it becomes bigger, brighter, and lasts. For the first time in a long time, i'm allowing someone to storm the fort, and it seems like a good idea. I've kicked myself in the ass before for allowing it, but she doesn't seem to be pulling a trojan horse. She's walking in alone, without reinforcements offering up nothing but herself. As long as she wipes her feet on the mat before entering we'll be fine.
I quote sugarcult. well, kinda. ( I changed it a bit to fit)
Pretty girl is offering while he confesses everything.
Its amazing what happens to the tiny flame of hope when someone tosses fuel into it, it becomes bigger, brighter, and lasts. For the first time in a long time, i'm allowing someone to storm the fort, and it seems like a good idea. I've kicked myself in the ass before for allowing it, but she doesn't seem to be pulling a trojan horse. She's walking in alone, without reinforcements offering up nothing but herself. As long as she wipes her feet on the mat before entering we'll be fine.
I quote sugarcult. well, kinda. ( I changed it a bit to fit)
Pretty girl is offering while he confesses everything.
Blinded by the light..and i forgot my sunglasses
Maybe I didn't forget the sunglass, maybe i left them home to see if i could brave the storm without em'. And did I? I You're damn right I did. Friday and Saturday were amazing, 2 incredible shows, and the support of the entire cast. Not to mention, SOLD OUT. I have to say, that if i were to have placed a bet on the show weeks ago, i would have lost. Not just some of it, but all of it. It's amazing what happens when you lose dead wieght, and others in the cast pick up the slack like it was routine. Maybe it was, i don't really know how to explain it...it just seems to me that i've done the unthinkable. I underestimated some on the cast. I really hate when people do that to me, and I dont think others enjoyed it, but i can't apologize. They deserved what they got at the time, and right now they deserve praise, no doubt about that. Then there are those who've been busting ass along with the strong ones of the cast, and our hard work has paid off. Theres a really great bond that has formed with the cast, you can call it a family if you'd like, hell I do. In other news...i went to Universal for a little bit after rehersals, and spent time with Dolline and her mom, and it was rad. We went on the mummy, and twister, and I got a chance to meet her mom, and exchange a few words. At first I wanted to be mr. cool to impress her mom, but i figured, i'd give her something better. Me. Just Me, nothing special or unusual, just a good guy who likes her daughter. This girl makes me smile. Maybe it's the challenge, or the fact she gives me shit. Hell, maybe it's just the fact for the first time I can look at someone directly in the eyes, and she'll look right back. There's no time to hide, when fates on your side. That's what I think when I see her. So, in this particular post, I have nothing negitive to say. I have no cloud over my head, and nothing but a smile on my face.
I quote Fall Out Boy.
"Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say"
I quote Fall Out Boy.
"Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say"
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
On the day I'm suppose to Die, i think I'll wake up early.
Doubt it.
Doesn't that sound poetic? or should i say pathetic? It seems to me that even on the day I'm suppose to leave this place i'll still manage to sleep past my alarm clock, and have even less time to savor the flavor of life. Well, this is my proclation. "Today October 20th I will do things I've never done, say things I've never said, and be the man I've always wanted to be."
Fuck those who hold me back, I'm smiling, so smile back.
Doesn't that sound poetic? or should i say pathetic? It seems to me that even on the day I'm suppose to leave this place i'll still manage to sleep past my alarm clock, and have even less time to savor the flavor of life. Well, this is my proclation. "Today October 20th I will do things I've never done, say things I've never said, and be the man I've always wanted to be."
Fuck those who hold me back, I'm smiling, so smile back.
You have the right to remain silent. Really? That's so thoughtful of you.
Put your hands where I can see them...
That exact phrase rang thru my head a million times last night as i was stranded on east colonial waiting for some sort of assistance. I anticpated the moment when a cop would pull up, take a look at what i was wearing, and where i was and mutter to himself "what the fuck?" and follow it up with, "put your hands where i can see them" as if they were controlled seperate from myself. It was a fucked up evening, no doubt about that, but it was one hell of a sign. One has alot of time to reflect when given the right circumstance. Late at night, in the rain, wearing makeup, upset from being yelled at by your ex-gf, and wondering how "she" is... not the all-star cast, or lineup i was looking for, but they should made it quite accurate of a portrayal. If last night was an olympic event, my team would have been disqaulified...but the Russians would have given us a 8.9 for effort. It was quite an evening, amazing to say the least but, I needed more than amazing. I need divine intervention. I've been on dates with Divine, we've shared milshakes in the diner, walks in the park, even makeout sessions til dawn but nothing has woken me up. Right now Im on a self motivated run, and stopping to take no prisioners. I want to take someone with me but with my luck she'll use me for a ride, ditch me and i'll be back on the expressway alone and singing to myself. Its time for me to be the hitchiker, and not the driver. I'm taking the risk, and leaving my transportation where it is. I've openned walked out of my truck, and left the door wide open. My head lights begin to fade behind me, and its now just one single light miles behind. I extend my arm out, and raise my thumb. I check back once more to see if i'll puss out..but i don't. I'm now on my journey, and waiting for my release from solitutde. Head lights appear from the distance, and a car begins to slow down. A young lady rolls down her window and says... "wah you want a awhhawahhh ride wahh" Everything she says comes out sounds like a peanuts cartoon. I laugh to myself in a nervous manner, and try to think of something witty, but all I can mutter is, No Thanks. For the second the words leave my mouth, I regret every second of not knowing who she was, where she's going, and where I could be. I'm fucking tried of that. I don't want to be the one driving, I want to be enjoying the ride with a girl who gets me, and i want to see the other drifters embarking on their journey hoping to find their very own passneger seat.
Below is a Death Cab for Cutie lyric...dig it.
when you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride,
when you need directions then i'll be the guide
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.
That exact phrase rang thru my head a million times last night as i was stranded on east colonial waiting for some sort of assistance. I anticpated the moment when a cop would pull up, take a look at what i was wearing, and where i was and mutter to himself "what the fuck?" and follow it up with, "put your hands where i can see them" as if they were controlled seperate from myself. It was a fucked up evening, no doubt about that, but it was one hell of a sign. One has alot of time to reflect when given the right circumstance. Late at night, in the rain, wearing makeup, upset from being yelled at by your ex-gf, and wondering how "she" is... not the all-star cast, or lineup i was looking for, but they should made it quite accurate of a portrayal. If last night was an olympic event, my team would have been disqaulified...but the Russians would have given us a 8.9 for effort. It was quite an evening, amazing to say the least but, I needed more than amazing. I need divine intervention. I've been on dates with Divine, we've shared milshakes in the diner, walks in the park, even makeout sessions til dawn but nothing has woken me up. Right now Im on a self motivated run, and stopping to take no prisioners. I want to take someone with me but with my luck she'll use me for a ride, ditch me and i'll be back on the expressway alone and singing to myself. Its time for me to be the hitchiker, and not the driver. I'm taking the risk, and leaving my transportation where it is. I've openned walked out of my truck, and left the door wide open. My head lights begin to fade behind me, and its now just one single light miles behind. I extend my arm out, and raise my thumb. I check back once more to see if i'll puss out..but i don't. I'm now on my journey, and waiting for my release from solitutde. Head lights appear from the distance, and a car begins to slow down. A young lady rolls down her window and says... "wah you want a awhhawahhh ride wahh" Everything she says comes out sounds like a peanuts cartoon. I laugh to myself in a nervous manner, and try to think of something witty, but all I can mutter is, No Thanks. For the second the words leave my mouth, I regret every second of not knowing who she was, where she's going, and where I could be. I'm fucking tried of that. I don't want to be the one driving, I want to be enjoying the ride with a girl who gets me, and i want to see the other drifters embarking on their journey hoping to find their very own passneger seat.
Below is a Death Cab for Cutie lyric...dig it.
when you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride,
when you need directions then i'll be the guide
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.
Monday, October 18, 2004
It's time to reactivate my drive for....life
throughout the day there are certain words that ring true to me, and others take for granted. words that are somehow are important to me, and meaningless to others. today's word is dissapointed. To me it's being used in many different contexts' , but their is one descrption that is relevant to my current situation.i am somehow dissapointed in myself, more than anything else i've been handed. i'm dissapointed in my expectations of things in life, along with myself, and more than anything the choices i didn't make. let's elaborate below:
things i'm not content with
-not being bold enough
-fortune favors the bold...maybe i should have been bolder ( Thanks Josh.)
-being alone
-hopes and expectations of others
-savior complex
-spreading myself too thin
-being everyones bestfriend
-avoiding conflict
-trying to be a hero
things i'm content with
-making others smile
-never showing weakness
-having an amazing family
as you can tell one list is slightly larger than the other. for good reason, i should notice and take action. i wonder how long it'll take before i actually do something, how long until i convince myself it's not ok... how about right now. i don't want to seem like an asshole, but i guess i need to be more of an aggressive person. for an much of a personality as i have, i have no scroat, no guts...and that's why i haven't had any glory. screw that, i want victory, i want a smile put on my face, instead of me placing upon others. on a more positive note, i had an amazing night on saturday with a girl i met in school. not something out of the complete ordinary but quite unique. something i've been trying to find for quite some time. i wish i was able to say to her the things i'm writing now , but i can't. that's not something i've done before. but after todays proclamation it will be. she is going to be my new risk, the one worth taking hopefully. i'm going to go out on the limb, tell her whatever it is i should. i will reach for her hand. i will give her a hug. i will call unexpectedly. she has to let me though. I recently saw enternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and i was completely shocked at how good it was. i want to know someone so well that with your mind erased they're still in your heart. when she asks me how the night was i want to reply, "it was the best fucking night, of my entire fucking life"...and i want to know why "i fall in love with every woman who shows me the least bit of attention"..i want to be picked first..and she did, she initiated all of this. for that, i thank her.
things i'm not content with
-not being bold enough
-fortune favors the bold...maybe i should have been bolder ( Thanks Josh.)
-being alone
-hopes and expectations of others
-savior complex
-spreading myself too thin
-being everyones bestfriend
-avoiding conflict
-trying to be a hero
things i'm content with
-making others smile
-never showing weakness
-having an amazing family
as you can tell one list is slightly larger than the other. for good reason, i should notice and take action. i wonder how long it'll take before i actually do something, how long until i convince myself it's not ok... how about right now. i don't want to seem like an asshole, but i guess i need to be more of an aggressive person. for an much of a personality as i have, i have no scroat, no guts...and that's why i haven't had any glory. screw that, i want victory, i want a smile put on my face, instead of me placing upon others. on a more positive note, i had an amazing night on saturday with a girl i met in school. not something out of the complete ordinary but quite unique. something i've been trying to find for quite some time. i wish i was able to say to her the things i'm writing now , but i can't. that's not something i've done before. but after todays proclamation it will be. she is going to be my new risk, the one worth taking hopefully. i'm going to go out on the limb, tell her whatever it is i should. i will reach for her hand. i will give her a hug. i will call unexpectedly. she has to let me though. I recently saw enternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and i was completely shocked at how good it was. i want to know someone so well that with your mind erased they're still in your heart. when she asks me how the night was i want to reply, "it was the best fucking night, of my entire fucking life"...and i want to know why "i fall in love with every woman who shows me the least bit of attention"..i want to be picked first..and she did, she initiated all of this. for that, i thank her.
Friday, October 15, 2004
Reach down your hand in your pocket, and pull out some hope for me
It's nice to see that applying yourself is still an effective way to show people what you're made of. So i found out I got cast in Bay Streets production of 1940's radio hour, which is pretty f-ing awesome. You can check out the cast list at http://www.baystreetplayers.org/ . It's kinda funny though, all throughout high school i despised musicals, and i'm not sure why. Maybe it was the amount of people in the cast, or the fact that our directors didn't have a clue, but that was about 6 or 7 years ago and things have changed for the better. I have also changed, for the alot better. (hey it's my f-ing blog, I can type shit like that) I'm better at reading people, and allowing them to read me. Here comes the Rocky update. The show is going well, but the bitching has increased and my patience are wearing thin. The best analogy I can make for this situation follows: "If this show were a lumber company, would you hire plumbers to cut the wood? I think not." That's how I feel right now. I'm bothered that some people would rather moan and groan about thier involvment instead of placing the show first. Big No No number 1. This is Rocky Horror Show, not can I have more time to do...whatever it is that I do. Wish is very questionable. My other favorite topic on hand, is that some people actually consider themselves actors, or entertainers. (cue the jeopardy style music and buzzers) BZZZZ, oh I'm sorry the correct answer was No, No you are not. You may share the stage, but I' ve earned it, along with many others. The building of deatailed sets, late night rehersals, and most importantly the effort. I have the drive, and will...something a few lack, and I'm sorry for that but you can't just be given it. With that having been said, I'm going out to have breakfast with the family.
be good . be safe, and always smile.
be good . be safe, and always smile.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
We've been in the same shoes, and they smell a bit like confused.
A friend recently wrote a blog containing doubt...this is my similar post, although i wrote this almost 6 years ago. Dig it.
It's truly amazing what can happen in one day . Today I realized that everyone has a purpose, Unfortunately I'm still puzzled on what mine is. Why is it that most stars becime famous and forget everything and everyone but themselves? I had an experience today at auditions... I was finally introduced to the real world. Althought my traytables were in the upright and locked postition something was odd. For the first real time, I doubted myself. Maybe i'm not on earth to be a famous star, maybe I'm just an average joe who's fooling himself into thinking he can make it. Now I just wish I'd do a better job on convincing myself. Instead of covering myself with "acting" to hide my emotions and just be myself. Isn't that whats more important in life, being you ? Or is it having the millions of dollars? It's kinda funny how life works out, instead of kicking you in the ass, life says " I'll be nice" and gives you a nice shove sending you ofcourse and offschedule. I could spend foreverand try my hardest to find the "meaning of it all." How do you know when you reached your hardest, and what i've you reached it with no answer. Well, with answer in hand, or with nothing I'm making my proclimation. The odds are impossible, and I'm not voiceless in a crowd. One statement will remind me daily of what I'm here for. That statement should be read aloud in an embarrassing way. It is: I believe that reality is a sublime comedy staged for the education and amusement, and that there is a benevolent conspiracy to liberate me from my ignorance and help transform me into the unique masterpiece I was born to be.
I couldn't agree more with the statement now, than i did then.
It's truly amazing what can happen in one day . Today I realized that everyone has a purpose, Unfortunately I'm still puzzled on what mine is. Why is it that most stars becime famous and forget everything and everyone but themselves? I had an experience today at auditions... I was finally introduced to the real world. Althought my traytables were in the upright and locked postition something was odd. For the first real time, I doubted myself. Maybe i'm not on earth to be a famous star, maybe I'm just an average joe who's fooling himself into thinking he can make it. Now I just wish I'd do a better job on convincing myself. Instead of covering myself with "acting" to hide my emotions and just be myself. Isn't that whats more important in life, being you ? Or is it having the millions of dollars? It's kinda funny how life works out, instead of kicking you in the ass, life says " I'll be nice" and gives you a nice shove sending you ofcourse and offschedule. I could spend foreverand try my hardest to find the "meaning of it all." How do you know when you reached your hardest, and what i've you reached it with no answer. Well, with answer in hand, or with nothing I'm making my proclimation. The odds are impossible, and I'm not voiceless in a crowd. One statement will remind me daily of what I'm here for. That statement should be read aloud in an embarrassing way. It is: I believe that reality is a sublime comedy staged for the education and amusement, and that there is a benevolent conspiracy to liberate me from my ignorance and help transform me into the unique masterpiece I was born to be.
I couldn't agree more with the statement now, than i did then.
Time for Initiation
I don't have the spare time to write in this damn blog, but I think I'm going to have to find time for it. I have a live journal also, but I dont really write in it much, so this will be my new place to vent. Tonight are rehersals for Rocky, and but am I excited...(please note that sarcastic tones can't be displayed very well when typing). I hope tonight that I'm not part of the minority in the group, but it seems that one can't avoid that feeling of being seperate, and its for really childish and stupid reasons. I was going to end this blog early but now I'm on a run...There's a few things that puzzle me, not bother, but just plain confuse me. I'm a pretty understanding guy, but somethings just don't make and fucking sense. I'd like to think that when the time comes, people are smart enough, and good enough to not make a stupid decision. Boy was I wrong. I'll elaborate more on that later.
Be good, be safe, and crack a smile for me.
Tj
Be good, be safe, and crack a smile for me.
Tj
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